It's been about two weeks since I had the same conversation with two people. At least I think it has. I'm not good with time-flow. Anyway, about two weekends back, I had a chat with a new acquaintance, rasharant, and then, afterwards I chatted with and then argued with arie about some of the same things. Here, then, are my preliminary findings.
Through those conversations and a few other last week (including the one that spawned the book review, and the one that helped with my mailserver-fu issues) I have been reminded that I do care, and that pretending not to care was just another defense mechanism. I had been wallowing in the depression, trying to see if that would work, or if I could find the bottom by sinking. But I do care, and being reminded of that clearly rather robs me of that crutch (which wasn't working anyway, apparently).
I tried to do some things differently the last two weeks, and have made some minor progress. It has had no effect on anything that I can see. Whether this is due to the meager amount of effort I was able to put in, or to self-fulfilling prophecies is uninteresting. Both my fault, you see.
I care, but I can't seem to do much of anything. I am still concerned about the outcome, but know that I've already been defeated. I can't see any other way forward (or any side channel attacks either). It's said that exercise and activity are the best cure for depression, but it is rarely mentioned how hard it is to exercise when you're that far down.
I'll try and keep the progress I've made, although it slips away so easily (I lost a figurative foot of ground today to various excuses, and I'll have to try and make it up when I wake up). So, I'm no better off, but no worse off yet, either. I'm going to have to keep trying to pay off my debts, and when that's done, I'll have this fight again with a few individuals, and that will be the end of it, one way or another.
The show is starting up. Weekends only in September, and then all of October into November. If you wanted me for something, you've got Sunday through Thursday until October, and then you'll have to wait until the second week of November. Phone is on for now. Email and IM work but access is limited.
And now I'm going to lay back down and try to rest again. Sleep has been tougher than usual this week.