April 19th, 2003


Why did you stop?

Because I hurt people, and that was precisely the one thing I was trying not to do (quixoitic as it may be)...

Then, and now, most of the dangerous emotions I only experience vicariously. If I make somebody happy, help them learn something, comfort them, etc, then my empathy sucks up a little bit of that (strained through the cracks in my walls and shields) and I feel better. ( Oh, and getting someone else horny is only midly amusing, at best, but giving someone else peasure feels good. Getting them off is usually a longer lasting upper for me than any silly little male orgasm ;) )

So, I tried to open myself up a tiny bit, but the goal was to help, well, whoever.
"First, do no harm." And each time, I blew it. Not even in different ways.

Backing up a bit... In high school, I got stuck "dating" a girl by being nice to her. No, really. Her girlfriends were sure I must have been interested in her because I was friendly to her and we talked a bunch.. It was a long bus ride, and she was/is hyper. To hear them tell it, I was the only person who could listen fast enough to keep up with her. That relationship went nowhere, and we broke up with little fanfare and no unpleasantness a few months later. (Hush, you. I'm telling the story, and that anecdote is unimportant. Oh fine:

Kelly: So, how're you and Mandy doing? Are you two still going out?
adric: Okay, I guess. I don't know.
Kelly: *annoyed* Well, you had better find out, hadn't you.

Anyway. Later at that same school I tried "going out" with a girl I had known from childhood. We were both quite unsure of ourselves, and the relationship never actually happened. Unfortunately, I was part responsible for the enforced molding and twisting inflicted on her by our little group. She hadn't had much personality (or so we'
d thought), so we gave her one, crafting her in our image. .... She seems okay now (not that I could tell at the reception), but that experience is one I lean on when tempted to wiggle my fingers in other people braincases (ie "use powers for evil").

It was after high school, in my first year of college, that things got intense for the first time, and that was what broke me. I'll not tell that story here for various reasons, including that many of you know it quite well... *sigh*

And after that, I shut down those "dangerous" emotions, as well as I could, with what understanding I had of them. And flunked out of school ("Skip forward a bit, eh! We've seen this bit already!") ...

So, now I make friends easily, often behave selflessly, and help people where I can. I also keep the darkest stuff buried as best as I can, repress rage, fear, and anger, along with other things. I act like I care about people, but in truth seem not to, at best worrying about their fates, and trying to shield them from the worst. I can help to support others, and even prop them up for a moment or two, but I don't hang on to people, and they drift away.

And now? Now, I am actively avoiding attachment, at least on some level. I don't want to have make the effort to navigate the social entanglements of pubic life, and I don't want to either burden someone else with the bare essence of my nihllism, or to add another potential mourner to my list of logistical problems to maneuveur around.

Bah. That made not a fucking lot of sense. From the topic again:

I can't tell when people want to play with with me (short of being told, or being specifically invited to act). I am not socialized enough to tell what other intentions are from non-verbals (kinesics and pheremones), nor forward enough to act without that knowledge. I'm squeamish. And I can't/won't open myself up to that knd of hurt again, nor do I wish to witness it firsthand when someone else falls in love with me, and I feel nothing. The only thing that sucks more than that, empathically, is breaking up with them. They never leave without being pushed, after they've attached that way, and often they must be hurt (psyche) to start them on their way.

And I feel it, their hurt and rejection, and sadness, and self-doubt, from them, through my shields. And then I hurt, for hurting them, and ... to say it makes for a crappy month doesn't begin to tell the story.

So, for years I've avoided bonding. Now it seems like I need to, to have any hope of surviving. And I don't want to bond (hasn't changed) and lately, don't want to survive.
Having someone might present a means to go forward (I know that, well, rationally at least), but I won't let myself hurt anyone else, as exposure to all of this shite certainly would. And past that, I often don't see a point, since I'm not likely to be around long enough for it to matter.

Feh. Came closer to answering question that time, but there were no insights.
I guess it's time for the next question.
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