March 19th, 2003


Thoughts on/at the Party

Hrm. I probablly shouldn't go to a party with grownups again, and will be much more firm about not going to such things, or out in public, alone in the future. This is not to say that teenage, or preschool parties would be much good either. I've thought back to how I 've handled parties before, and they roughly fall into two rather stark catagories: ones where I read a book (or played video games), and ones where I gathered the women, children, and/or cats into a back room, attic loft, or other defensible position and fortified there waiting for the siege to break. (In some of those situations I went to the event with someone, whereas in others the party sort of sprung forth around me, and some locations have a running party, of course) (And, yes, surely there were other recent parties that don't fit the pattern.. Surely, but I can't really .. something about Cranium...) And I always get sick (kind of like I do whenever anything really fun (on a sexy use of the word?) revs up (A least a couple longtime readers may have witnessed this phenomenon.). This is in part due to how poorly I deal with alcohol abuse, particularly in males, and it should be noted that that was not an issue at the party in question, which is how it gets qualified as a "grownup" party.

Tip: When I say something like: "I'm not really that sub-ish, it's just that I don't have any willpower left over from staying alive to decide things like where to go, what to eat, where to sit, and such..." -- I'm not really flirting, just being exaggeratedly pathetic. Whereas: "Oh I was just doing what she says because she's cute and was giving orders." was flirting, but still completely honest. Is the difference only obvious to me?
Well, I did follow her around for the first few hours, until she gave me something [quite beyond my ken] to do ..

When I say: "I'm no good at socialization, but I'm okay at social engineering" ... followed up by a comment about pesky ethics and not-using-powers-for-evil -- that' not me being cute, it's more like some desperate cry for help, or pointless [default] honestly or somethng akin to that. Again, obvious only to me, apparently. Cf: "Many emotions are easier to fake than have." (similar situation)

Other things learned: I am mildly uncomfortable about .. the first phrase that popped is "beautiful people", but that's not it .. Anyway, I knew I was slightly uncomfortable in the presence of attractive people. I have [re]learned how much more uncomfortable I am around people being physically flirtatious. And it wasn't just jealously and confusion although they were there as well. Must be more of the prudishness. Yay. Mix up all that and the fact that that woman's face looked quite a bit like a longtime friend of mine (arie's (at least to me anyway)) and you can see how the jealously, confusion, and prudishness could get me really twisted up. Or maybe you couldn't, and that may be the theme of this ramble. Here's part of it: What they were doing looked like a lot of fun (even if what they were leading up to was scary), but I didn't see/don't know any way to get in on it, so I was just watching, trying not to, etc. Pointed reminder to my lack of emotional maturity about sex (as if I, and all of you, didn't know)

Later in the evening, I tried to read, but couldn't focus (and this is before the movie was put on, I think) on either a book I should read, or the new Wired, (and of course didn't even pull out the tax/school paperwork I need to do. Argh.) and ended up briefly stuck between pockets of conversation while trying to get back upstairs from the library. That fairly sucked.

I'm sure the brooding (although bad in places) wasn't nearly as bad as worrying the hostess, who occassioanlly took notice and concern of my brooding, or not following the social tectonics, even as much as I didn't want to trouble her. That same motivation helped keep me from piddling this ramble until now, and has me considering filtering it somekindofway. Nah. Still, it's bad form to suggest I didn't enjoy myself, particularly since that's not really true... It's just all the more confusing that way.

About the last thing I said as I was leaving was: "I was surprised to be invited." The response was: "Everyone was welcome !", to which I replied, "Yes, of course, but I was surprised to be invited." I suppose between how things went, and this screed , their will be plenty of rationale for not doing so, and if need be, for me declining. My social skills are stretched thin enough when engaged with one person. I simpky don't have the skills to deal with a roomful of people, even if they are very cool variously sexy people. They were all (save one) quite a bit older than me (by 5-10 y? ), and all seem to be more mature than I am (including the one, half a decade behind me chrono.) And yes, I know the seeming is more important, as with sanity.

And now some psuedocode I meant for it to be AIML, but it looks like it came out closer to Perl:
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