And now for the harder to write entry.
While talking to B for most of the day, alot of what currently troubles was pinned on a car accident that happened a couple or three years ago. I have no doubt that she was injured, and it seems she was on bed rest for more than a year, so this is a defining moment in her recent past, if not in her life. It causes her physical pain still in a directly literal sense, as best I can tell. It's not the worst thing that has happened to her, twould seem from the stories ...
And this chains in my warped mind to a symptom complex known to many of my friends as 'bad car hurt $username'. In that case, a car accident in adolescence greatly affected a young man's life due to injury and the emotions circulating around the cause of it. Injuries sustained closed or distanced some opportunities that had seemed certain, and between that and other things, all of the bad things in his life were hung on this one incident. He's not over it yet, although he is doing much better. I don't pretend to understand the workings of another mind, but externally, to all of us outside his head, he spent the next ten years blaming someone for that, and for the changes it wrought, and the guilt-complexes that spawned. Say then, that he got stuck there.
Lest I go on about him, or her too much, let me remind the audience and myself that this entry is about me.
And so it is. Because seeing that in B, who has survived worse, and who seems philosophically at least to be doing pretty well despite it all... made me see it in me. (In hindsight) One for the more overt reasons the subject above and I hung out so much together when we first met must have been this. (I am not saying that we aren't friends or that there was some pretense. There was none. We became friends due to the time and experiences we shared then, and in no small part due to the commiseration.) And a certain amount of this sort of thing must be healthy, when bad things happen. It is the dwelling that can go poorly, and it the assignment of blame to an event or another's choices that are the trouble.
And so, I pose the question to myself: What am I still stuck on? What hurt, what cruel twist of fate (sic)? Bah. It doesn't matter so much... as much as what--And so he calls, wondering about the old days of holding court at WaHo. And my thoughts break off.